He Doesn’t Want Children!
Dear Hillie:
I’m having a bit of a relationship dilemma which I’m hoping you can give me some honest advice on. I’m 22 and recently embarked on a relationship with an older man who is 35. He’s never been married, although he has had long-term relationships in the past and has no children so there is no baggage. We have been together for just over 2 months so it is still a new relationship and we have a brilliant mental, emotional and sexual connection and a lot of fun together. He told me it’s been a long time since he has wanted to be with anyone as much as he wants to be with me or wanted a serious relationship. I know I’m young but I know what I want out of life; I’ve always been in serious relationships rather than having short-term flings and I know I want children in the future, but he has told me he doesn’t want any. I’m not talking about having children soon; I just know that it’s something I definitely want for my future. My boyfriend is very much a ‘go-with-the-flow’ and ‘live-for-now’ kind of guy which is fine and I try to live for now and not dwell too much on planning for the future; I just know I want to eventually be a mother! The subject came up as my boyfriend has a 2 year old nephew who he’s amazing with, but he said that although he likes children, he doesn’t want any of his own in the future. I am now confused as to whether or not I should pursue a relationship further with him. I really do love and care for him, I love spending time with him, we have so much in common generally and he has already introduced me to his friends and family. It’s the first time since my last relationship ended 18 months ago that I have felt this attracted to a man, both emotionally and physically. Should I stay with him if I know we don’t want the same thing for the future? I don’t want to be naive enough to think that if I stick with him he might change his mind about children later down the line, because if he doesn’t we would have wasted our time as I know I’m never going to change my mind about having children. I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time since I started seeing him, all my friends and family have commented on it and I feel sick when I think of losing him. Please help me as I have no idea what to do and I don’t know who to talk to about it.
Hillie says:
You are young and naturally like most other young women you know that you want to have children in the future. Your boyfriend sounds like a very decent honest man but he is thirteen years older than you and at at 35 has fully matured and knows his own mind. He would probably be in his forties by the time you decided to have children and by then would be even less likely to want them.
I think you should have a serious talk with him as soon as possible about what you both want out of life. It is better to know now that you have different life goals than in five years’ time when it might be more difficult to find someone else who wants the same out of life as you.
It’s a tough decision but you are young and I can assure you from my life’s experiences, you will meet someone else and fall in love again.