Getting back with your ex!

Everything was going fine. You’d had your ups and downs but suddenly, for no apparent reason to you, you get dumped! You feel devastated. Is there someone else? Did he/she ever love you or care for you at all? You go through real or imagined reasons in your mind over and over again. You drive your friends mad with your questions and moans.

Eventually weeks turn into months and time starts to heal; you realise you can survive without him/her and begin to start a new life. People begin to take an interest in you, you start to notice them and you actually feel good. Then suddenly out of the blue the phone rings and it’s your ex. Apparently they’ve realised that they made a terrible mistake in dumping you; they really miss you and want to meet up. They still love you; they’ve changed and want you back. 

Having got your life back together again, I would like to think you would tell them where to go and hang up. However not many of us are that strong and you’re flattered that they miss you so much and want you back.  Part of you wants to see them again to see if they really have changed and are genuinely prepared to try to make things work. Maybe the old Sammy Cahn tune is ringing in your head ‘Love is lovelier the second time around!’ All the good memories of happy times come flooding back into your mind and you waver. You say you have to think about it and will get back to them. Have a think about the following:

Why did you break up in the first place?
We often only remember the good times and the bad times get forgotten. Think about why you broke up because unless both of you have changed, those reasons will re-surface and the relationship will fail again:

Was he/she too immature?                
Has he /she grown up? Has they changed or are they just pretending so you’ll take them back?

Did he/she cheat on you?                  
Do you trust him/her? Recognise the warning signs and be wary before you trust again.

Did he/she treat you badly or physically hurt you?
Chances are this leopard won’t change his spots. Do you deserve to be abused?

Did you get on with his/her friends & family?                      
They’re a package deal and you must accept this or the relationship won’t work.

Did he/she irritate you by being, for example, untidy, lazy or boring?
Unless they’ve changed, you’ll soon seek a new challenge.

Do you mind what he/she got up to when you were apart?  
If so, you’ll find it difficult to forget or trust them.

 What did your friends/family think of you together?
Sometimes those closest to you see things you can’t and know whether something’s right or wrong. Were they relieved when you split and are they worried now that you’re thinking of taking him back?

What do you miss most about him/her?
Even though you may have hurt each other, you still miss them. That’s natural; there will always be a part of you that still loves them. Having been free agents, you may think that if you both want to get back together again this relationship was meant to be. Do you miss having a partner or are you just lonely? Perhaps you’re flattered they want you back and you’re forgetting the negatives about them?

Sometimes going back to an old relationship works but in my experience it never did. You need to be very certain about what you want from your ex and listen intently to what they need from you. You go back with all the right intentions, you talk things through, both of you say you’ve changed and learnt from past mistakes and are determined to make the relationship work this time.

I hope things work out for you but be prepared that with the best will in the world, all too often we fall back into the same old patterns and realise that these particular leopards can’t change their spots.